•September 11, 2013 • Leave a Comment
Sometimes we see something as gray but later we are able to see all the colors.
A quote from a friend of mine this morning. I like it. Brings up all kinds of thoughts regarding perspective and clarity.
•July 29, 2013 • 2 Comments
Do you ever feel like you are trying to explain yourself yet you are continually misunderstood? Lately I’ve been running into this problem. I talk, no one listens, so I shut down and just do – I vow to show them instead of exhausting myself with words. It’s worked for me in the past, but it isn’t always easy. I wish I knew how to get people to understand. To listen. To care.
I find myself wishing I was better at communicating but I don’t think it’s always me lacking communication skills. Often times I feel like people are simply not listening, they hear my words but don’t care to understand. They don’t want to. Their minds are made up before the conversation starts so they smile and nod while my words flow in one ear and out the other.
It’s hard for me not to get incredibly frustrated. I try my best to be present both physically and emotionally in every conversation I enter into. I’m not always perfect, I know I make mistakes but I put a lot of effort into listening to others. I wish I felt the same effort from others. The same understanding, the same willingness to meet me halfway, and the same desire to care – actually CARE – about what the other person is saying.
•July 12, 2013 • 2 Comments
I want to know I exist.
I want to know I will be heard.
I want to know that others care.
I want to know that people aren’t just pretending – or saying what they think I want to hear.
I want to know that my opinion matters.
I don’t want to feel invisible or overlooked.
I want to know that I can dream.
I want to feel confident.
I want to know that in the end it will all be okay because it doesn’t always feel ‘okay’.
I want to know that discomfort, this anxiety, will somehow make me better.
I want to feel.
I wish I knew how to make it all work out.
I wish I knew it was going to be okay.
I wish I knew I was going to be okay.
•July 10, 2013 • Leave a Comment
Yesterday was one of those days. The kind where you wake up 4 hours after you went to bed completely exhausted. Then you power through the important stuff that was left lingering
4 hours earlier from the day before. You run out the door – late for work – and realize (after you have shut the door) that your keys are locked inside the apartment. So you text your roommate and he’s not around until 7 when you need to be home by 3.
At work your only goal is to stay awake. And muster up enough energy to peacefully resolve 5 year old feuds without completely losing your shit. When you survive work – somehow – then head home and call the landlord. You called on your lunch break and there was no answer – of course. So you wait … and call again. If you had the energy to scream you would, instead you go on a walk and try not to cry. A few hours later when you knock on the landlord’s door her husband answers and says they received your calls. (Why didn’t anyone call you back!?) He calmly lets you into your apartment but his parting words are “Take care of yourself” as he pats you on the back. (Since when do landlords care about your well-being?)
You’ve hardly eaten all day because you had only $10 cash in your wallet and you are still waiting on your new debit card to arrive in the mail because three weeks ago someone tried to charge $500 at a 7-11. Seriously, who spends $500 at 7-11? And on WHAT!? When you finally arrive home all you want to do is crawl into bed and wait for tomorrow. Instead there are other lingering tasks that need to be taken care of. After a phone call, and some more assistance, you realize that everything that has been accomplished today is only because you have had help from others.
I’ve always been the one who survived because I learned to rely on myself. I listened to no one and I shut down instead of asking for help when I needed it most. In high school I specifically told my partner in math class that his task was simply to sit there and be quiet while I completed all of the work for our group. I hated math and wasn’t so great at it but at that time it was easier for me to simply do the work than risk relying on someone else. All of this is starting to change. It’s great to be self-reliant and independent but I’m also learning that it’s okay to lean on others. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it most and it’s okay to ‘take care of yourself’ because losing yourself means you lose everything.
Yesterday reminded me of that. Today is better, but yesterday … when my troubles weren’t so far away.